25 and 365 (Corey and Sydni)

I remember it like it was yesterday.

25 years ago, I needed a ride to work.

I was going to ask my best friend who lived across the street to take me. He had been "acting funny" with me and we hadn't really spoke in a couple of days so I didn't ask him. Besides, he always slept late and probably wasn't awake, so I didn't call him or go over there, I asked my Uncle Walter to take me.

It was probably the best day I had at my job. We talked. We laughed. We sold clothes. Life was good; I was a 17 year old kid with a JAY OH BEE.

My mama picked me up from work and we went home. When we got to our street...there was a crowd of people, a police car, and an ambulance in the street by my house. Our little dead end street never seemed as long as it did that day.

I got out of the car and went straight in the house to put my stuff up; I knew something bad happened and I wasn't quite ready to face it. I wouldn't have a choice though...

There was a knock at the door, the Sheriff's Deputy came over to ask me some questions. "I hadn't seen him since yesterday." "No sir, well, he had been saying that he didn't want to move to Crosby with his parents." The officer said thank you and left.

My best friend killed himself. I didn't know why. He was dead. The next time I'd see him he'd be laying in a casket. I remember sitting at the edge of his yard, just shy of the crowd of people and i just put my head down. I was numb. I felt physically sick.

I remember congregating at the park, we prayed, we listened to Phil Collins' "In the Air Tonight", while reminiscing  about the fun times we all had. We cried. We laughed. We prayed. We danced. I cried myself to sleep that night. I remember being a pall bearer and putting our FTP (Flat Top Posse) armbands in the ground with him...

365 days ago I watched a group of kids congregate in the school parking lot because their friend killed herself. They were listening to music, talking, and praying. As I watched them making sure they were ok, it hit me: I was in the exact same position 24 years prior.

I wanted to go over and hug all of them. I wanted to cry with them. I wanted to listen to their stories, but I couldn't bear to go over there, it was too familiar, it was too much like August 8, 1989.

I went home.

I went to bed.

I couldn't sleep. So I got on my phone, and jumped on Twitter. I remember tweeting some stuff about going through the same thing 24 years ago and telling the Class of 2014 that I knew how they felt. Getting that out of my system made me feel better. I fell fast asleep.

I was awakened out of my sleep by my phone going off. Students discovered my tweet. The favorited. They retweeted. They began to follow me. When I woke up the next morning, I was so touched by so many students connecting back with me through this tragic event.

Suicide is not to glorified. It is one of the most selfish things you can do. Suicide leaves everyone and everything you knew in shambles. 

With that being said, the horrible events of August 8, 2013 provided me with an opportunity to connect with kids at my school and allow them to see me as a real and genuine person. Positive relationships was the Phoenix that rose from the ashes of despair.

After a year, It doesn't get much better. You still mourn, you still hurt. Songs make you laugh and cry at the same time. Significant events aren't the same because a dear friend is missing. What do you do?

You do what Corey and Sydni should have done. You keep on moving. YOU LIVE...

25 years later, when you are blessed to look back on your life and you think about all the things that helped mold and shape your life, you will remember this day August the 8th and know that the events surrounding it were a catalyst. You will remember it as one of the most significant things you will ever experience. My prayer is that you make this negative event something positive as you move forward.

The One and Only

Tonight on Twitter, I had a very interesting sidebar with some fellow educators about the dearth of educators of color in schools where we work. It is something that I always think about one point or another because who I am and what I look like frames a certain perception for many people.

I can't begin to tell you how blessed I've been as an educator.

I got my first teaching job with a handshake.

My first AP job was with the one principal that I always wanted to work with.

My first Principalship enabled me to create the school that I always wanted to create if I had the opportunity to do things my way.

All of these opportunities have one thing in common: I was always the first and/or only Black male on the job. It has been an interesting experience that I was prepared for by my public school experience of being the only Black in my core classes (most of the time).

The experience was most glaring when I began my job in my current district. When I met the Superintendent, he told me, "You know you are the first." and I replied, "Yes sir...With all due respect it is not the first time that I've been the first." And so it began, my district had its first Black administrator since it's inception in 1929.

There are times when I am made aware of the gravity of being "the one and only".

I remember on of my first days in the district, there were a bunch of custodians at the end of a hallway and I was on the other end talking to some folks and they kept staring at me. Now mind you these were the only Black folks I have seen since I got hired so I was interested in meeting them. When I got to the opposite end of the hallway, I introduced myself by saying "How y'all doing, I'm Kirven Tillis...I know y'all thought I wasn't  going to speak." All of them busted out laughing because that is exactly what they were thinking! They thought I was stuck up and full of myself.

During my time in my district, there has never been more than 5 Black professionals in my district at the same time. I was Principal of a campus and I worked one of the Black teachers for three years and that was nice.

Being a Principal/Assistant Principal can be a lonely existence. That feeling is magnified when no one looks like you. There is pressure, mostly created by me, to make sure that I am looking my best and doing my job the "right" way. I am the only Black male that hundreds of kids are exposed to on a daily basis. There is pressure to represent and be a positive role model.

I am aware, acutely aware that whether I like it or not, I am the "representative", I am the one who will have to defend my "Blackness", I will have to fend off attacks from those who think I have "sold out", "got soft", or "lost touch". The opportunities that have been afforded to me are both a gift and a curse.

There are times when I see the custodians and I talk to them; they tell me how proud they are of me and that they see how the kids respond to me. I know that I am in the right place doing what I need to do. I love the kids and co-workers even if they don't all look like me. I wish our district was more diverse, but I have had the opportunity to contribute by hiring diverse staff members that are and will be outstanding teachers. I have had the opportunity to work with various groups of students, including minorities and the "at-risk". This is what I was built for, it is why I wake up rearing to go.

I relish it. I embrace it. I am indeed the one and only.

In the Shower I Prayed...

In the shower I prayed
Lord wash the tears away
Wash my sins away
Let the scent of the sweet pea
Cleanse my body
Of the stench of foes and adversaries
All around me
purge the hate and jealousy
They possess and aim at me
May I never reciprocate
In the midst of tainted emotion

In the shower I prayed
water cascading over me
Like the blessings that flow eternally
You allow others to find favor
You allow me to discern
placed me in positions
To inspire and learn
From mistakes by others as well as mine
Redemption rains down
Washing tears away, while in the shower I prayed

Ode to Lucero

I had the pleasure of seeing a young man fresh out of college sign his first teaching contract today.

A high school athlete and Eagle Scout. AP student. He always enjoyed history. He went to Texas Tech just like his siblings. This Red Raider studied abroad and acquired a master's degree along the way.

A social studies teacher and coach. Something that he has always wanted. Son of a military man turned coach, and a mother who teaches, he knew early on that he would join the family business of teaching. 

Recently he was working at a rec center; with a few strokes of the pen he multiplied his salary fourfold. In addition he is going to make an impact; he'll change the world. 

After he left for the day, I thought about how our paths were so different. 

I too loved history. I was labeled "GT" and took honors classes. I thought I knew what I wanted to be: I wanted to be a black Blake Carrington, business mogul. 

Then I wanted to be a public relations major. I thought I could work for companies and do PR for them. 

As a pre-business major, I quickly discovered that math and I couldn't get along. There was no Public Relations major at my college. 

So I decided to major in history and then Social Sciences. I finally graduated with a degree in the latter after 5 years. 

Toward the end, I realized I had been over looking the obvious. I loved knowledge, I loved sharing it. Little kids always flocked to me, even ones I didn't know. It was my destiny to become a teacher. 

After an entrance to adulthood that was marked by death, violence, and hardship. I was still able to cross paths with a young man who shares the same goals that I have. 

His path was clear, mine was pockmarked with adversity to steer me where I needed to go. Somehow, we met in Mont Belvieu, Texas, on a hot July day. It has been almost 16 years since I signed my first teaching contract. Today reminded me why I did. Today reminded me that I am doing the very thing that I prayed for...making a positive impact

I want to tell my former students like @luceroivettte that you just have to be patient when you don't know what you want to do. When it is time for you to know you will know. You will feel it in the depths of your soul and you will be insanely passionate about it.

In the meantime, enjoy your life; go to college or work and experience what life has to offer. It is my prayer that you will find your calling, you will find that thing that allows you to truly thrive.

Starting Love Over (2014-2015 School Year)

I return to work tomorrow. While that song doesn't exactly match my excitement about the start of a new school year, it does convey the way I feel about returning to work. The way I feel about setting goals and getting ready for the students and staff to return.

I'm ready to start to do what I love all over again (the new year). I'm ready to return to the way things were: getting back to being an instructional leader and interacting with my colleagues, coworkers, and students. If we stick to our goals and expectations, we can make it...I think you get the gist.

Enjoy that Miles Jaye!

Hate Can Be A Lady

She tried
Tried real hard
To shiver my timbers
But they didn't; she couldn't shake
My woods
My sense of self
Still intact
Back back
50 ft and all that
Pretenses
False and you can't get me
Hater you can't get me
Mind too strong
Suggestion like a Jedi
*You will lose*
Wasting your time
Peep these words
These rhymes
Recognize
Respect
Me and who I am
Full of simple complexities
Complex simplicities
But no 'plex
Unless you get next
To that side
The wrong side of me
Check yourself
Watch yourself
Sacred ground being broached
Getting beside yourself
You bound to get crushed like a roach
Keep trying
May as well start lying
Because as hard as you my try
As hard as you may try
It don't matter
It don't matter what you've done
I won't
can't ain't shan't alack!
I'm getting Shakespearean
Because I won't succumb

3 Degrees

I got 3 degrees
But I'm not Kevin Bacon
Talking about separation
But an associate becoming a bachelor
Becoming a master
Approach not scientific
But deliberate and specific

I got my associate's after
I chose to change and modify my associates
They got me applied handcuffs instead of applied science

I stopped BSin and got my BS
I got productive; got my mind right
Striving for mastery
So I cut the mess and got my MS

3 degrees
But I'm not Kevin Bacon
Talking about separation
But an associate becoming a bachelor
Becoming a master
Approach not scientific
But deliberate and specific